Here’s what you missed… on December 10th we transferred our last perfect embryo without telling anyone. We just thought maybe a super secret experience would be good for our mental health, and it was. I had little to no anxiety basically the whole first trimester. Passing the 7 week point, where we have twice had a loss, raised my blood pressure some but I had a inner knowing I’ve never had and felt calm. We go together to our bi- monthly OB appointments a little early to do slow deep breathing in the waiting area. Every appointment my OB says everything looks normal and good. I do have uterine fibroids still, and they are growing along with the baby. Luckily they are not inside the lining of the uterus where the baby is, they are in an “optimal” spot at the top of the uterus and mostly out of baby’s way. Because of the fibroids my OB wants to schedule a c-section at 36 weeks but so far there aren’t any complications.

I don’t want to miss a single moment, I’ve waited so long to experience these things I’m just reveling in the small joys of growing my kid inside my own body. Every pang of nausea and wave of exhaustion feels like a gift, these symptoms comfort me that the baby really is growing. For 72 nights Josh administered an injection into my glutes, and what could have been the hardest part of my day became the best because of his massages before and after the shot. One of the medications I’m on gives me excess energy and is known to reduce nausea so the first trimester has been relatively easy on those fronts. Since my fibroids have been growing as well as the baby I haven’t been able to fit into my normal jeans for several weeks. My uterus has been measuring a full 4 weeks bigger than normal, which is fine by me because it gives me the feeling that something is really happening. It’s so hard to belive after 6 years of trying, and 6 embryo transfers that is really our time. Honestly I have a sense of sadness for all my ivf sisters who aren’t here yet, a feeling of almost guilt that I’m getting my dream and they are still going through it.

If your reading this and your hard thing is still really hard I’m so sorry. I don’t think there is a question of merit when hard times are doled out, time and chance happen to us all. I wish I cold point to why this embryo stuck, I wish I could solve it. I know it’s natural to want to explain and I challenge you to accept that it just did. It wasn’t a medicine I was on, or that I drank filtered water, it that I went to a new therapist, or that we kept it secret. I wish I was a person who was more okay accepting mystery, that I didn’t want to solve everything I don’t understand, but I am who I am and this kid is who they are. Maybe you are a person who knows that people are born and people die and there is no logic in any of it. Maybe you are a person who looks for meaning in everything, you trust that a divine being is controlling the universe according to their unique understanding. I just want you to know that I didn’t get pregnant this year because deserved it more than I did last year. I’m not more worthy of getting my dreams than anyone else, there are so many worthy people in my shoes who have heartbreaking outcomes. I see you, and while I’m over here celebrating my big win I can hold space for you and lament with you.

The plan is to deliver this child at the beginning of August via scheduled c-section. To let my very capable OB do all the worrying necessary for this pregnancy and for me to enjoy every doggone minute. Sadly I will not be celebrating with cartwheels as leaping-jarring movements are forbidden. I will be celebrating with non alcoholic champagne, because that’s my way, with naps, with hugs, with each of your joyful responses, and with gf Shortbread cookies a-la ted lasso. Our kid has their own fingerprints, and arms that can bend at the elbow, they are as big as a macaron and I can’t wait to meet them this summer.