When you check out at the grocery store the checker usually starts with “hi ma’am how are you doing today?” The answer to this question is often of little importance to you the grocery purchaser, you may not even be paying attention, you may be running through your mental check list trying to remember if you were out of mayonnaise. I know it doesn’t matter but I try to answer honestly without being too sappy, 9/10 I say (and if you have been at a checkout with me you know) “I’m happy, how are you?” and sometimes I glance an the nametag and throw that in there too. I’m not always happy, but if I’m buying food or crafts or socks or whatever I’m pretty often happy. If I am ruined and heartbroken I take special care not too sound too destitute and I say something honest like “well, I made it here with pants on so I’m okay I guess.” The goodbye is where I get real weird, I don’t know why I feel the need to reassure the checker who says “have a great day!” by cheerfully saying “I will, you too.” I will?? They just want you to get out of the line so they can finish their workday, they don’t care if you will or will not have a great day. Is anyone else this way?

We have a transfer date for our “lil frosties” as we call our two embryos frozen in Barbados: it’s February 1st. Depending on quarantine rules at the time this will be a shorter trip than the last two trips, right now quarantine is only 3 days (if you show up with your 72 hours covid negative test like we did in September) and if you test negative on the 3rd day you are released on the 4th. Then we will transfer the next day and leave maybe two days after that. We will be on the island about a week. The quarantine rules could change in the next 10 weeks though. Holy Moly, 10 weeks sounds really soon! I waver on whether it’s too soon or not soon enough I need time to heal physically and emotionally but I also want to be reunited with my offspring this very moment. It is so odd having part of your family so far from you. I know they are not considered people they don’t have enough cells to qualify even as a fetus, but they are related to me and it feels weird that they are not with me.

Every week I go in for a blood test to make sure my body is releasing everything from our last pregnancy, it’s honestly heartbreaking to hear the weekly decline of hormone that I usually want to see rising steadily. I can’t use my body to grow the next pregnancy if I don’t fully let this one go. Isn’t that a sad truth? Why does no one talk about miscarriage and how physically and emotionally draining it is? It was over 4 weeks ago that we found out there was not a beating heart in my womb, 31 days of slowly losing our little one. My blood test still shows the amount of pregnancy hormone that was detected on that first positive. I still cry when I have my labs run even though I’m talking about a new recipe I’m going to try with my lab tech, I think my body remembers the trauma of that place. The concrete numbers tell a story that I am trying to live out, and it also feels nice to know that I haven’t let it go completely. I think I will need all 10 weeks to become ready for our next opportunity.

We have been lighting candles often here at my house as a way of remembering. Fire is also a mystery and watching that flicker of the flame we marvel at the strangely perfect circumstances a pregnancy requires. IVF takes some of the mystery out of the process (and most of the fun) but the success of the transfer is out of everyone’s hands. We feel so so freaking lucky to have seen that itty bitty pulsing of a heartbeat at almost 7 weeks, and we give credit to the giver of life for causing our embryo to flourish that long. The flame reminds us that the magic of life is a gift. Our fundraiser for this transfer has a smaller financial goal than before, but it’s a project with a lot of heart.

Beeswax candles! The gross fragrances of most candles give me a headache and are not good for your body. In trying to make a very clean home and body for our babes candles were one of the things we had to give up or make our selves (along with salad dressing, what is that junk they put in there!) I have been making beeswax candles scented with pure essential oils for Josh and I for a couple years, and now I’m going to make them for you. I have been stocking up on essential oils so I can make enough candles to fund this trip. In the next few days we will share more details about how to procure your very own candle. The candles will go jars, and the label for the jars has been designed by a fabulous local artist whose art many of you will recognize, Once the candle has burned down you will want to save the jar forever it is so beautiful! She has very generously offered her design skills in this project, and I think she is brilliant you are going to love it. If you are looking for a perfect Christmas gift look no further, this will light up anyone’s Christmas wish. If you know someone who is grieving this holiday season offer this light to them. If you think I sound like a salesperson you are right, we have over one hundred pounds of beeswax in our kitchen and we need to get it into your homes. Spread cheer, be nice to store checkers (and the fishmonger, wink wink) we are almost to the end of 2020.