When I go to work, I see one person at a time, usually only a few people a day, and I know before I go in who they will be. My husband works with the public at a grocery store and could run into absolutely anybody on a given day. During the pandemic, I looked to him for news of the outside world, bombarding him with questions the minute he walked in the door. March of 2020 was also our first trip to Barbados for ivf, which led to our second pregnancy loss. I spent the beginning of isolation miscarrying those 2 beloved embryos. You know what people said to him when they saw him at the grocery store? They said, “How is Kate?” Which is so nice. I’m so thankful for the community we built that supported us through the long, hard road to being parents. In hindsight, I don’t regret the vulnerability with which I opened my cycle of hope/ pain/ hope/ pain to our people.

This Father’s Day, I want to highlight the steady even keel of my amazing partner Josh. Very rarely was his well being asked after during our 6 years of trying to conceive. Culturally, we have been trying to do better taking care of women, and I’m so happy about that. For too long, women were silenced and brushed off and not believed. The “hysteria” of women was thought to be our uteruses, roaming about our bodies creating havoc and causing us to be irrational and cry too much. I’m really glad this nonsense has been replaced by medically treating symptoms and offering mental health care. I think we need to learn to take care of men, too. Men are expected to be steady and unwavering in their duties. Young boys aren’t taught to share their emotional weather with those around them. Vulnerability has been largely co-opted by the female voice in our society. Think about how many times you’ve seen your dad or brother or husband cry? Or start a sentence with “I feel really______” and finish it with overwhelmed, sad, scared, or lonely.

I have to say I’ve been super lucky to have a dad who cries easily and shares his true feelings. It set me up to choose a mate that was that way, too. Josh and I started being a couple in October 2009, and he chose to spend that first Christmas with me instead of going home to his family’s house in Portland. At one point, he took a call outside with the whole family gathered on the line, and when he hung up, I found him out there crying a little. That’s when I knew he was the one for me. He has never hid his feelings from me nor his tears. We built a relationship with very different gender roles than we saw around us.

Our journey to parenthood was really hard on him. Watching me physically suffer from the side effects of the medication and greive every month we didn’t have a successful outcome were so challenging for him. Knowing there isn’t anything he can do is very difficult. Even though the losses physically happened to me, he felt them too. We mourned together and have had to keep going on with our daily lives. Even the last two years, where we have had a successful outcome, have brought frustrating moments where the pregnancy and breastfeeding were outside his scope. He copes by leaning into what he CAN do, like feeding me well and refilling my water and washing the pump parts. All of Fox’s life, “Daddy” has been the late night feed master. They bonded in those dark 2am hours when he changed and bottle fed our son. Apparently, this is not the norm among dads. Josh knew my milk production depended on me getting a four (maybe 6!) hour stretch of sleep at night so when he finally got the chance to make a physical sacrifice for our family, and he jumped on it.

I don’t think Fox prefers me to Josh because we have both been so involved in his care. While he hasn’t specifically said Mama or Dada yet, I have a feeling Josh will get the first word from him. He loves his dad so much, gets so excited when he comes in the room, laughs the hardest when he tickles him, and snuggles so good in his dad’s chin crook. Yes, we wanted a baby and are beyond happy to have him. I also really wanted to see my sensitive, intuitive, thoughtful, and exceedingly generous husband become a dad, and it did not disappoint. The baby monitor is on Josh’s night table. He knew how to assemble the breast pump before I did. He gave me my first and last shot during ivf. He has been affected by this challenge as much as I have. I would like to offer a blessing to all dads who are the unsung heroes of family. The definition of which is: not noticed or praised for hard work, courage, or great achievements. May these dads be recognized for feeling their feelings even if it’s inconvenient, for sharing their truth even when it’s embarrassing, and for showing up in all the practical ways that we need them to. You keep me going, Josh, and we wouldn’t be parents without your commitment and dedication to this dream, too. Happy first Father’s Day. You’re the best good Dad in the whole wide world.